the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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