just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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