I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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