I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
