drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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