in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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