You smell like stripper and shame
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize