i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
