I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
