We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
