I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
