So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
