i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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