I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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