hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
