Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..