remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.