just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So many bounce houses so little time
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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