Having a random hookup so left but love u
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
