sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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