im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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