i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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