If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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