I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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