I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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