meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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