Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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