I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
