i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
this will be a night to untag.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
