I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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