I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
