I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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