I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
