so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
