i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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