ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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