My friends, they love my intelligence
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.