Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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