Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
