The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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