She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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