the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
