she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
