nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
