just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
