Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
