I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
