ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.