a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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