I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
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I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.