I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future