She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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