I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
