I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
