my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
birth control should be required to get into college
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
