threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
40s are totally the cure
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
FUCK WHALES
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
