apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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