We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
