2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
