Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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