life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
