white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
